The root of the crazy

I have found the root of the crazy! (Maybe.) I'm writing an article on the DASH diet, and my research has turned up mountains of crazy I didn't know I had. First, I found a recipe for the weird lasagna with zucchini and carrots (eww) that Matt's stepfather made for Christmas. Then I hit the motherload.

Remember when I was complaining about the crazy gym lady who sends ridiculous comparisons of two foods that are nothing alike and then claims that you'll lose a ridiculous amount of weight by choosing the better option? Well, let's see what the NIH has to say:

To increase fruits?
● Eat a medium apple instead of four shortbread cookies. You’ll save 80 calories.
● Eat 1/4 cup of dried apricots instead of a 2-ounce bag of pork rinds. You’ll save 230 calories.

The rest of the suggestions are pretty normal. BUT, who thinks "ooh pork rinds...oh, no. I'll have some dried apricots instead. That's exactly the same thing." Honestly, I don't eat pork rinds, because eww, but I can't imagine that pork rinds and dried apricots would fill the same space in
your diet. Also, a medium apple is about 70 calories, so tip one is really telling me that two shortbread cookies = one apple? Why don't I just eat 2 shortbread cookies instead of 4?

An open letter to whoever is coming up with this nutritional nonsense:

Look. I get that you're trying to help people make healthier choices, but there are a few substitutions that people just will not make. I don't care how many times you tell me that when I want potato chips I should eat celery instead. I'm not buying it. And I LIKE celery.

But it is not and never will be anything like a potato chip. They don't have the same heft. They're different types of crunchy. And, most importantly, they occupy different social spaces. Please make healthy choices more accessible by making less ridiculous suggestions. If you want me to stop mindlessly munching chips, find me something better that I can munch mindlessly - like popcorn. If you want me to make a better appetizer choice, maybe we need to get the dips involved because a plain piece of celery will never have the allure of a plain chip.

Don't think I don't know where this is coming from.

You're looking at a big chart and trying to come up with the combination that gives you the biggest calorie savings, but it's not going to work because really people who are eating don't think like that. Then they read your stupid story and think "oh no, I'll never be healthy because I can't
make that kind of change..." Also, there are crazy trainers out there who multiply the calorie savings by 365 and calculate the weight you would use and I think we all know that's ridiculous.

So please, try to remember when you actually ate like a human and come up with an appealing substitution. You won't get the high score, but you will make good nutrition a little more attainable, and, really, isn't that what you really want?

Thank you.
The management