Outpourings of crazy

One of the trainers at my gym sends out emails a few times a week. I guess they're supposed to be motivational? I don't know. They're usually just outpourings of crazy. At least half of them are collections of stupid diet substitutions that are supposed to help you lose weight, only they're
really detailed lists of things I can't picture anyone ever eating. Let me make one up to illustrate:

Instead of eating a breakfast of two waffles, three pieces of bacon, four hash browns and a large latte, try one egg white with a tablespoon of salsa.
Instead of a large tuna sandwich slathered with mayo on a kaiser roll, a big bag of potato chips, a cup of creamy potato salad and a large soda, hold the roll and enjoy three ounces of tofu with two celery stalks, a teaspoon of brown mustard and a medium apple.
Instead of four slices of pepperoni pizza dripping with grease, served with a large caesar salad with tons of croutons, try a small chicken breast grilled with the juice of one lemon and served with three broccoli florets.
Do this and you will lose ten pounds!!!!

Ok, so my example is slightly more ludicrous than her usual, but you get the general idea. She compares two meals that are completely unalike; uses the phrases "dripping with grease," "hold the roll," and "slathered in mayo;" and closes with some ridiculous outcome and a gratuitous number of exclamation points.

Anyway. When she's not busy sending us crazy nutritional emails, she's sending crazy exercise emails. Friday, we got one about how your brain tells you to stop working out because it has no self-confidence and you should ignore it. (That was especially entertaining because my friend, Linda, had just had a personal training session with this crazy trainer, and she thought the email was directed at her.) Here's this week's crazy email:


Whether you've been loyal to your weekly workout plans or not, this week we've got just the thing to keep you motivated and get you back on track. According to top researchers, varying your cardio routine makes it more effective. And, like always, we're here to help.

First, try the ultimate antiboredom workout. It combines cycling, running, and elliptical with various speeds and intensity.

To get the best results, pay attention to your rate of perceived exertion (RPE), or how hard you're working on a scale of 1 to 10


6 No exertion at all
7 Extremely light
8
9 Very light - (easy walking slowly at a comfortable pace)
10
11 Light
12
13 Somewhat hard (It is quite an effort; you feel tired but can continue)
14
15 Hard (heavy)
16
17 Very hard (very strenuous, and you are very fatigued)
18
19 Extremely hard (You can not continue for long at this pace)
20 Maximal exertion

The rest of the email is a fairly detailed exercise routine. I have no issue with it, especially since she assured us that "this workout will blast 400 calories!!!!!"


Do we all see the problem here? Instead of a scale from one to ten, which is logical if a little simplistic, we have a scale from six to twenty. Never mind truth in advertising...when has anyone ever asked anyone to rate something on a scale from six to twenty?

"So, Lefty, how did you like that movie?"
"Ehh...on a scale of six to twenty, I give it an 8.5."

What happened to numbers one through five? I imagine 1 is "asleep (unconscious)" and three is "sitting." 7, by the way, is "waving to a friend" and 8 is "two snaps in a circle." I especially love how number 15 "hard" is further explained as "heavy." That's just the attention to detail that will help me determine where I fall on the scale between "somewhat hard" and "very hard."